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the great adventure

13.2.09 cognitive dissonance at the extreme.

mum says i don't let out my emotions enough, that i'm too forgiving.

clarke quay is one heck of a cursed station for me.

this is not the first time it's happened to me. the last time, it was darn christmas eve.

am i okay? yeah (i don't know).

what frustrates me the most is the conflict between being selfish and protecting your sorry ass, and being Christ's ambassadors. and half the time, because i choose the latter, i end up sacrificing my sorry ass. what frustrates me even more when the other party doesn't really get that you're this *holds hands as far apart as possible* upset, and 'sorry' seems to come all to easy.

i think i just about had enough. i made it through the last few years of my secondary school life alright. i can do the same now.

depending on people makes things too difficult. it complicates your life. but if you expect less of people, it makes you more forgiving (like i'm not enough already). hell, i'm going to be single for the rest of my life, lone as can be.

and i find myself, once again, traveling down the long, dangerous and windy road of lone ranger. it sucks, but it's safe, to some extent. you answer to no one but God.

every time this shite happens, i get worked up, have to control my own feelings for the next few hours, with thoughts of going home and being miserable, smiling as though everything is okay (which will be in a few moments, since i force myself never to hold on to too much).

miss independent. miss self-sufficient. miss keep-your-distance.

i'm done depending on people. i'm done ranting here too. like they'll ever read and understand. i listen to death cab for cutie and stone the night away.

one more note: thank you steph, janna, rachel and the others in church. you've never ceased to be dependable. if one cannot make it, the other will be there. i'd rather be in God's house then anywhere else. thank you (thought i doubt you guys will read this haha).

Give me strength to cross the water,
keep my heart upon Your altar.
Give me strength to cross this water,
keep my feet don't let me falter.

run run run


the person

ruth is someone who loves God very much, as well as her friends and buddies. she's currently in singapore but really belongs to kayel, malaysia. an ex-cres, ex-acjc and ex-smoosocsc, she's currently a teacher, BCYouth, and loves music in general. and she really likes to smile :D


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